April | 2017 | Maleccha

Prime Minister Narendra Modi with the help of Chief Ministers from cow belt drafted ‘Cow Manifesto’. The cow manifesto provides for the following framework for cow revolution in India- and envisions creation of Cow Republic in India.

The name of Indian Republic will be changed to ‘Gau Ganrajya’– Cow Republic.
The preamble of the constitution will be amended and additions in amendment will include- ‘We the people of India declare India to be Sovereign, Socialist, Secular, Democratic Republic of Cows and secure its citizens, who are primarily cows- Justice, Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.’
Further, cow will be declared as ‘Mother of Nation’. On INR 500 and 2000 notes Gandhi’s pictures will be replaced with cows’ pictures. On other currency notes, cows’ pictures will be placed next to Gandhi’s picture.
Cows in pre-vedic times spoke Hindi. Cows gave birth to humans. Cows are mothers of humanity. Thus, language of cows i.e. Hindi will be the national language of India.
For next twenty years, the post of President of Republic will be reserved for cows. Only cows can become the President of Republic- a largely ceremonious post.
To make cow central to India’s constitutional and developmental fabric, a special ministry for cows, on the lines of Ministry of Women & Child Welfare and Development, will be created and called Union & State Ministry of Cows & Calf Welfare and Development.
Cows above the age of one will have voting rights. Their vote will be de-facto counted as vote for Bharatiya Junta Party (BJP). 33 percent seats in union parliament and state legislative assemblies & councils will be reserved for cows and will be de-facto accorded to BJP.
Government will enact specific social protection measures for cows, starting with unique identification number- Aadhar Card issued to all cows in India. Those coming from Bangladesh and Pakistan will be given the same card along with refugee status. Rashtriya Swasthya Beema Yojna (National Health Insurance Scheme- RSBY), maternity benefits, midday meals, access to banking services through opening of accounts under Jan Dhan Yojna (People Wealth Scheme), zero interest housing loans will be a part of social protection package made for cows.
To encourage consumption of the most pious food- Gobar (cow dung) and Gaumutra (cow urine) excreted by cows, central government has made it mandatory to serve them as midday meal in all government and public funded/aided schools, colleges and universities. All private universities and schools also need to mandatorily serve it as an important meal in their institution. Those who don’t eat it will be deemed as committing the act of sedition and will be charged under relevant provisions of Indian Penal Code.
Cows are Hindus. Thus, non-Muslims can’t own or marry cows. This provision is valid, unless Muslims declare cow to be one of the many Prophets they have, Christians consider her to be the daughter of Christ and Sikhs respect her as the eleventh Guru. Jains have already begun the process of declaring cow as 25^th living Tirathankara.
Government is planning to bring uniform civil code with a special provision for cows. Cows can marry bulls and men. Bulls and men need to have Aadhar for marrying cows. Marriage is commitment to one bull or a man for whole life. Cows like women in India, will not have right to divorce. They can only be abandoned, taking inspiration from Supreme leader’s own life. In case cow marries a man, she can only be artificially inseminated. Sex between man and cow is prohibited, unless the man is known to be the wearer of Janeyu (sacred thread).
Cow’s meat/beef consumption is prohibited. The consumption of beef will be considered as an act of war against ‘Gau Ganrajya’ (Cow Republic). Under Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan (Clean India Mission) all toilets will have centrally operated censors, which will test the human shit for beef matter. If beef content is found in fecal matter, sensors will automatically report it to state and union ministries of cow and calf welfare to act against the beef eater. This provision doesn’t apply to only white foreigners visiting India.
All Gaurakshaks (cow protectors) who have killed at-least one person on the name of cow protection will be eligible for Paramvir Chakra award and INR 20000 per month as old age pension. If they have killed more than twenty persons, with at-least twenty percent of those murdered below the age of 18, they will be eligible for highest civilian award- Bharat Ratna.

Jai Gaurajya! Jai Gau Ganrajya!

(Hail the rule of cows! Hail the cow republic)

Nadeem Aslam’s recently released ‘The Golden Legend’ is scary and yet true. It is the story of our times. Killings on the name of religion, nation, prophet and cows. They are all there in the novel. The landscape is oozing and overflowing with blood. That doesn’t deter the lovers. They keep loving. It is love and the memories of love which matter the most.

There is an elaborate description of violence. The reader is pushed to the wall with many existential questions. Is there any value of human existence? Are our destinies pre- determined by the geographies we are born in. Are religious men cause of all violence? Or is there something more to religion? Are those skull cap wearing Mullahs, with rosaries in their hands and long white beards dictating bloodshed or are they marginal players, victims of the circumstances, they have been pushed in?

There aren’t any clear answers, neither in the book, nor in life. There is hope, as some of us are carrying those questions, and there are few, who may have answers- “How one person carried the answer through his life until he met person who was carrying the question.”

The protagonists of the novel are like real people. They are daring. They keep the flame of love alive, even in the hurricane of violence. Story moves between five individuals, and memories of many more. All busy in saving their lives. They escape to save themselves. Their escape is not escapism. Some are able to save themselves, some return as ghosts.

Novel challenges us, it forces us to take stand. The story is located in Pakistan. What is happening in Pakistan is happening in India too. Blasphemy laws, cow protection laws. Killing of humanity for some abstract ideas. It is happening everywhere. There is a global civil war and world is bleeding.

“Everything this land and others like it were going through was about power and influence. All of it. And these struggles of Pakistanis were not just about Pakistan, they were about the survival of the entire race. They were about the whole planet.”

In these circumstances, we can’t be escapists. This need to be confronted.

“It felt strange to think this about a place that could be violent, but most of the time there was a deep desire to avoid confrontation in Pakistan. Ordinary people wished to be left alone, and wished to leave others alone, finding pockets of love and comfort within the strict laws that governed them. They had been owned and abused so often that at the most basic level ownership and abuse meant nothing at all. It also mean, however, that loud, belligerent individuals and groups could remain unchallenged.”

We need to be daring, daring to fall in love and love which breaks boundaries. It’s only love which can help us survive the age of anger and hatred. And Aslam’s novel is all about the survival of love in the world blinded by violence.